Fearless
by mjp248
Summary: Take a step back to One Tree Hill's university life and place yourself in an alternate universe where nothing is as you know it. This tells the story of how Haley made the best and worst decisions of her life, trying to be someone she isnt. See Inside!
1. Chapter 1: Get It Right

Well, I haven't published anything in years. I moved away from my hometown and started going to university and ... things have just changed. But, I've missed this, I've missed writing and since my school work has barely permitted me to any for a really long time, I figured I'd take my recently free summer to do some pleasurable writing. I'm going to give this a shot. This story is told from Haley's perspective, and it completely AU. Honestly, this story is true... it describes the difficult yet rewarding past year I've had. I figured someone needed to hear this from my point of view for once, so give me your best shot ;)

_I've heard people talk about these things, these situations. I've been by my friends' sides as they cried and talked about how it was impossible to live without him. I've laughed at how crazy it sounded and I've honestly been a little annoyed. I've been dumped before, I've had people walk out of my life for no reason at all. But I have never felt this way before. They were all right: all of my friends who described it and everyone who told me to stop before this had happened. But I never thought it would happen like this. I never thought a simple text message would leave me sitting in the middle of Peyton's bedroom aching because of what could have been pure heartache, or shame. I was so ashamed. This was the moment that changed me, the moment that I knew I'd be a different person, or at least I'd make people see I wasn't this person. This was my punishment because it was true that what I had done was my fault, and I deserved every last ounce of this heartache. I wasn't a good person anymore, this city had changed me... it was now clear._

**Two Months Earlier**

"I am SO exciting you're going to be living with me. Honestly, this is about to become the best semester we can imagine!" Brooke squealed. I had never seen her so happy, and I had never been this happy myself. After spending fifteen months in a small dusty community college I had come to the realization that there was more waiting for me in life than a demanding dentist with high expectations of his ever obedient assistant. I honestly can't remember why I ever thought that such a job was for me, but I was really hoping university life would point me in a new direction. I felt relieved and exciting and terrifying. I was fearless. And fearless was strong, because fearless meant living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Okay, sure, I adopted the saying from Taylor Swift... I think... but it made sense for me at the time. I wanted to be fearless. I wanted to do things that I never dreamed I'd do. I wanted to stop being a small town, do-good girl and I wanted to become a carefree, easy going girl, not from Tree Hill, from everywhere. I wanted to see things and be things. I didn't want to be Haley James anymore. I wanted to be ... well... that was still being decided.

I smiled as Brooke bounced around our apartment, putting up pictures and kicking around boxes. Brooke was carefree. Brooke had a great attitude about life and most importantly, she was the kind of person I wanted to be but never could. "Not excited, James?" she glared at me after I realized she had been rambling on and on about how fantastic this year together would be. She was talking about boys and parties and ... the mall, it seemed.

"Of course I'm excited. I'm just somewhat nervous." I admitted. Brooke kicked a box out of her way and made room for herself amongst the pile of things on my bed. I was being prepped for a classic Brooke Davis pep talk, I could tell.

"Listen here, Haley James. You can be nervous, and scared and whatever you want to be. It is completely normal. But don't dare think that you can't handle this place. California isn't Tree Hill, and I have a feeling we're going to see a side of you that we've never seen before." She winked at me, and smiled a crooked smile that she knew could get her whatever she wanted. As soon as that dimple was flashed, you were completely at Brooke's disposal, everyone knew it.

"What if it's not a good side of me?" I worried aloud.

"There are only good sides of you James, don't worry. I have your back and I won't let anything go wrong. You're going to be fine, we're going to be fine, and we're going to have a great year. So get off your scrawny little butt and help me unpack this crap." She bounced up again and disappeared squeezed behind the pile of boxes that were blocking the doorway.

I squinted as I stepped out into the sun. There was nothing more refreshing after unpacking boxes upon boxes of things you only pack two days ago, than standing in a wide open area with a fresh breeze in a place where you could be whoever you wanted. I was enjoying the quiet until Brooke's high pitched squeal sent shivers down my spine and a pain in back as she leaped onto it screaming about the beach and the sun and her new bikini. It was amazing how different we were: I was enjoying the fresh air and sunlight because of the quiet solitude I was appreciating, while Brooke was dying to hit the beach and start prowling on the town boys. It was one of the many reasons she was my best friend. She was like my alter ego, the person I wish I could be, but my worrying mind and deafening self conscious always got in the way. I simply lived vicariously through her, and sat on the side lines.

The beach was exactly how I'd imagined it would be. There were bodies scattered everywhere. Slim, tanned bodies. The music was blasting and I had to avoid a beach ball hitting my face on several occasions. I suddenly realized just how out of place I really was. My pale and what I felt was a plump body didn't hold a candle to these. These girls were beautiful. The sunlight and heat was making my hair fuzzy and my skin blotchy. My body wasn't reacting to the change from Tree Hill weather to this blistering California climate well, it was evident.

As I nervously looked for a place to lounge, Brooke was already stripped down to her bikini and chatting with a handsome surfer. A threw down my bag and towel and nervously tugged at the edges of my shorts as I sat down and attempted to be invisible. Then it hit me, this is what the old Haley would do. This is what I came here to avoid. I may be pale and a little plump right now, but I'm sure a lot of these girls started off just like me. Everyone has a story, and mine was just about to unfold. My fingers shaking, I unbuttoned my jean shorts and let them fall to my ankles. Before I knew it, I was just as exposed as the rest of these girls and ready to begin my transformation. A little sceptical as I saw a group of girls stare at me, I debated putting my clothes back on and running far and fast. But seeing a curly blond sitting in her t shirt and shorts, with a sketch pad on her lap next to me, I realized that maybe I wasn't the only girl around without sweet sun kissed skin and a thirst for lust and excitement. Maybe I wasn't completely alone.

"Scary place, huh?" The blond smiled. I smiled back and nodded, and squinted around, trying to take in the whole picture.

"Will it ever stop being scary, you think?" I whimpered back.

"I've been here my whole life, and it still terrifies me, so I think that is something you'll have to figure out on your own." She laughed and stood up by me, her hand about her eyes to shield the sun. I noticed the sketch pad on the ground, filled with sketches of beautiful beach bodies without faces. Meaningful? Symbolic? The truth? Probably. "I'm Peyton, by the way. Sawyer." She smiled and shook my hand. Shaking back, I glanced down again at the sketch pad. All those people without faces. Without personalities, would I become one?

"Haley James." I nodded back, "and that girl there," I pointed at Brooke who was flashing those dimples at the smiling surfer, "that's my best friend Brooke."

"She is going to fit in here really well, I think." Peyton laughed.


	2. Chapter 2: You Cant Break a Broken Heart

_How could one text message change my life in such a way? Those ten words were causing me more pain than ten gun shots would. "This was a big mistake. I love her. This is over."_

"I had so much fun today!" Brooke smiled as she sipped a soda in our newly decorated living room.

"Me too." I whispered sincerely. "When is your date with... Todd? Was it?" I laughed. Of course Brooke had a date. Brooke always had a date. We hadn't even been here for forty eight hours and she was probably already the talk of the city. Brooke was born for places like this. She was born to make friends and have fun, while I was born to watch her do so, usually while reading a good book.

"Meh, I don't know. I haven't decided if I'm going to call him yet." She giggled proudly. "This is a new place and a new year, I have to shop around a bit first, you know. There could be many much more handsome men out there just waiting for me to find them"

"You're probably right." I laughed. "What time do classes start for you tomorrow?"

"Not until after lunch. I really hope this fashion program is going to offer as much as the counsellor claimed. I don't know if I've ever been this excited." She grinned. "What about you?"

"I have a meeting with an academic advisor at noon. I have no idea what classes I want to take or anything." I sighed. It was scary, not knowing where my life was going. All of my life savings were going into this impulsive decision to move away and be whatever I wanted to be. But doing that was difficult when you had no idea. I automatically felt a ball of stress in my chest. I always felt this way lately, like I'd never be happy enough or spirited enough. My whole life I've been stressed about bills, school, and friends. How was a stupid, sunny city going to change that? I mean, of course the increased melatonin levels due to extra sun exposure have proved to... never mind. I couldn't bank on scientific knowledge. I needed to make sure that this place would work for me. My whole future was riding on it.

Brooke just stared at me, and I knew she was worried I wouldn't fit in here. But I wasn't sure if she was worried because she wanted me to be happy or because my slum could get in the way of her own fun. "Do you mind if I invite some people here tonight? Just for a few drinks and conversation." She winked. My chance to express my worries about my future in this city, and in general, just got completely thrown out the window. I was probably better off. There was no point in worrying Brooke about the things that she couldn't change. She was having fun, I needed to let her have it.

"How did you manage to meet enough people today to invite here? You're a total social butterfly." I laughed, trying to forget about my worries and remind myself that I was just getting started in this foreign land. Brooke shrugged and laughed. "Yeah, I don't mind." I smiled, staring down at my hands and wedged them beneath my legs so she wouldn't notice how they were shaking.

"James, what's going on in that confusing mind of yours?" Brooke looked concerned, for once. And it made my hands tremble. If Brooke was concerned then she had reason to be. "Have you spoken to Nathan?" she whispered. And there it was. Flashbacks of a summer love swarmed me. The smell of his skin came rushing back. The magnetic field that surrounded his body began to make my skin throb and the sound of his whispers made my ears ring. He was just a summer love, the first step of the becoming a new me, being able to be with someone in such a way and leave it behind. For once Haley James had appeared to leave her heart out of the situation, but only Brooke and I knew it wasn't true.

I bit my lip and shook my head. "Why would I? It was just a summer thing. He is in Charlotte, I'm here. It feels like we're worlds apart. We both made it clear that there were no feelings involved in that whole thing and I'm fine with it. He is back with Rachel now, and I'm going to find someone else too, right?"

Brooke smiled brightly and nodded, "Oh, are you ever!" She pulled out her phone and started texting frantically. I realized then that this night was about to become a lot more interesting, and these jeans would not suffice.

I smiled at her deviously, the thought of Nathan still aching in my chest, "mind if I raid your closet?"

Her eyes lit up and she jumped off the couch. "That is the first time you asked that, I was afraid you never would!" Grabbing my hand, she pulled me into her bedroom and start throwing clothing at me.

How did casual drinks turn into what could be one of the most talked about parties this year. I had never seen so many people jammed into one room. It was sweaty and loud and frustrating. The shirt that I was wearing was a little low in the chest, and the skirt a little high. This whole scenario wasn't me, yet I was nodding along as a cute boy whispered sweet nothings in my ear. He seemed interesting up until the point where he told me that he worked at a local convenience store and had no plans of going elsewhere. There were a lot of things about myself that I wanted and needed to change, but it worried me that this was one thing I couldn't. The reason I was here was because I needed a future that didn't involve a small town dead end life. I didn't want to be married and struggling to pay bills during a time that I dreamed I'd be travelling the world and finding new experiences. I didn't want to be stressed out all the time like my parents, and I was on the rocky journey straight in that direction and I reminded myself that this was my out.

Mumbling something about needing another drink I stumbled towards the table where a very intense game of beer pong was being held. There was screaming and laughing all around me and before I knew it I felt like I was drowning, and dashed for the door. Sitting on my front step, the sound of the bass inside made me feel like I was being pulled harshly between two universes. One where I was the girl inside that house, with the short skirt and too much alcohol in her system, and one where I was the small town girl I was now, sitting on the front porch alone. I closed my eyes and tried to remember the last time I was truly happy, but as soon as his face appeared, I opened them, afraid of what that meant.

"If someone told me that the best party on the block was taking place at Haley James' house, I would have thought they were lying." A numbingly familiar voice laughed.

"Jake?" I watched his tall, handsome figure stroll up my driveway, swerving cars and indecent people. With his hands in his coat pockets, he stood and stared at me. "Jake." I smiled, a sigh of relief leaving my stress tightened chest. It was one of the best feelings in the world, seeing someone I knew.

"What are you doing here, Hale?" He reached out and grabbed me, and I fell into his friendly arms. Starting to relax and feel a lot less out of place, I laughed at the complicated mess that was my life.

"Oh, you know. Trying to be ..." I stepped back and let him take a look at what I was wearing. "This." He laughed and pulled me in again, whispering into my hair.

"Why? That's not you." His words stung. I knew it wasn't me, but I didn't want that to be obvious. I didn't want people to look at me and think, why is this girl here? She doesn't belong in this place. "Although, you're pulling it off... but your eyes give you away." He smiled. I smirked a little, and sat back down on the porch, happy when he joined me. "I had no idea you were here, Tree Hill getting smaller?"

"So small it was smothering." I admitted.

He put his arm around me and pulled me in. Jake had been one of my best friends in school, but after graduation we grew apart and he moved away. "What are you doing here?"

"I've been living here since I left Tree Hill. I've started over, you know? The way you're trying to." He glanced over my outfit one more time. "You're living with Brooke, aren't you?" I laughed at how well he knew us all, and nodded. "I thought so."

As Jake started to speak again, I completely lost his voice when a tall, dark figure walked towards us. The porch light lit his silhouette in ways I never knew possible, and the smile on his face sent a wave of emotion through my body that I never thought possible. It was the first time in my entire life that I was able to think of anyone besides Nathan Scott.

"Oh! Haley, this is my good friend Gavin!" We both stood up as he introduced us. Shaking his hand was one of the most intense experiences I'd ever had. I had never seen such a jaw line, such a smile, such eyes. I had never seen anything like him. "Gavin, this is my old friend from Tree Hill, Haley."

"It's nice to meet you." He smiled. He reached into what seemed to be the complete darkness and pulled a tanned, slim figure into his side. "This is LeAnn, my girlfriend." He smiled down at her in ways that I used to imagine Nathan would smile at me, and ways I couldn't dream Gavin would even think about looking at me. He was one of those guys that I wanted to be with, but wouldn't be able to picture myself with. Clinging to his side, LeAnn glared at me and dragged Gavin into the house.

"Heard you had a thing with Nate over the summer," Jake continued our conversation, nudging me in the side, not realizing how absolutely astonished I had been. I laughed at the grin on his face, knowing that he was thinking about how long I had wanted to be with Nathan.

"Yeah, it was just a thing. It was nothing." I tried to convince myself more than him. It wasn't Gavin himself, but the fact that he made me feel that way, that made me realize that there were other guys in the world besides Nathan Scott.

"We both know that isn't true. Come on, let's go in." He wrapped an arm around me and directed me inside. "I've missed you, Hales." He whispered, as we walked back into the madness. I smiled up at him, before taking in the whole scene that was once again surrounding me. Brooke was laughing and talking with a group of girls, and Gavin and LeAnn were having what seemed to be an intense argument in the corner. It felt like high school again, and I still wasn't ready for high school.


	3. Chapter 3: Run

I'm not sure if this story is making any sense at all, because truthfully none of it ever really made sense. It is a bit slow getting started but everyone really needs to know the background information before the dramatic parts begin. Even if this means nothing to most people, it's my own personal therapy so... reviews are greatly appreciated, but simply having people read this is enough. Hang in there guys, the good stuff will soon be starting.

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><p><em>"I wanna do this, I wanna be in this for the long run. Are you in?" His words smelled of promise and new beginnings, unlike anything I could have hoped for before.<em>

_"I'm in." I whispered._

No one could have prepared me for this moment. If they screamed at me and told me that walking into this cafe would change who I was, make me lie and cheat and become a terrible person, I would have never believed them. You know how people always say that even after all of the drama and madness, they'd do it all over again? I wouldn't. If I could get my time back I would have never walked into that cafe. I would have run from it, actually. Far from it, fast.

But no, I walked into that cafe on that rainy morning to meet Jake, and found him sitting with Gavin talking intensely. I wish I would have turned around. But instead I sat with them and listened to Gavin complain for a half an hour about how LeAnn was driving him crazy after only being together for two months.

"She thinks I told her I love her, when all I said was that I loved her or _doing_ something." He was rambling. As he spoke I barely heard a wordy that came out of his mouth. All I knew was that he looked as good that morning as he did when I was intoxicated the night before. That, mixed with the new knowledge that he had only been with LeAnn for a short time and wasn't happy, made his appeal grow. It was only the times that my mind was on his that they weren't on Nathan, and that was a miracle. It took me a moment to realize that his rambling was directed at me and Jake had excused himself to answer a phone call. But before I knew it that beautiful mouth was smiling at me, and I was completely engulfed in what I thought, at the time, was pure magic.

"So where was your boyfriend last night?" He smiled. I needed him to stop smiling, it was a dangerous smile that was breaking my life apart dimple by dimple. His curly sand coloured hair was falling across his eyebrow where a small scar was peeking out and I wanted desperately to reach out and move it to get a better look.

"I don't have a boyfriend." I whispered. My cheeks flushed and I found it difficult to stop my newly dark brown locks from falling in my face. I suddenly felt like I was being shoved into a shameful spotlight. I found myself wondering if my make up has smeared in the rain, if I should have let Brooke dye my hair into this dark brown. I should have done my nails... but I never did my nails.

"I find that really hard to believe." He grinned. Jake fell to his side, his hair misted with rain from being outside.

"That was Nathan, Hales." Jake stared at me, waiting for a reaction. I was filled with mix emotions and it was evident. My hands shook and it made the ring on my finger click against the porcelain. It was Gavin's warm hand against mine that stopped the shaking. It was becoming clear that Gavin was the opposite of Nathan in so many ways. While Nathan made my heart race, Gavin slowed it to a point that it almost skipped a beat. Gavin's tendency to make me nervous and shaky contrasted perfectly with how at ease and steady I was with Nathan. This was something I had never experienced before. "He is coming here..."

I shrugged, trying to pretend that I didn't care, and Gavin's intense stare was really helping with that. "I should go, I have a meeting with an academic advisor and then a chemistry lab."

"Chemistry lab?" Jake smiled, "first year? I guess Gavin here is going to be your new TA." At that point my heat skipped about a thousand beats and crash landed into my rib cage. This was going to all year. be a semester I'd never forget, and I had no idea.

"For today's lab we're just going to go through the basics. I'll assign you to a TA out of the two standing here, and that will be the person who will be correcting your work and assisting you for the rest of this semester. We're going to go through the basic fire escape procedures and..." My chemistry instructor was an older man who walked with a cane. He had a huge grey beard that was probably a fire accident itself and there was no way anything about that man was safe in a chemistry lab. But I'd never really know what was and wasn't safe, because the only thing I was paying attention to was the way Gavin was glancing over at me. As Mr. Ackles rambled on and on about code of conduct and chemical safety, Gavin kept moving closer and closer to me. My heart pounded with each step he took and towards me until he was standing right at my side and my heart had come to almost a complete stop.

"I broke up with LeAnn..." He whispered to me. My heart smiled but I forced myself to keep a calm face. I spent my whole life longing for one person, who never wanted me. It felt amazing that for the first someone seemed to want me instead. I wasn't doing the chasing, but being chased.

"I'm sorry." I tried to sound sincere, but the smile at the corner of my lips probably gave me away. Trying my best to at least pretend I was paying attention, but I could feel him breathing down my neck. I met him less than twenty four hours ago and he was already reaching his fingers out close to mine as I leaned against the lab bench. He was coming on so strong and it was a big change from the slow, comfortable atmosphere I was used to. It was threatening, but exciting.

"Don't be." He grinned.

"I hope you're simply introducing yourself, Mr. Morrison, and have no other connection to this student, because according to my records here you will be her TA." Mr. Ackles spoke in a deep, steady raspy voice. For an old man he was certainly intimidating. "and I trust neither of you missed the part of my talk about the code of conduct?" I knew he was suggesting the forbiddance of student/TA relationships. But beneath his genuinely gorgeous smile, it was evident that Gavin didn't care.

"Nothing to worry about, Joe." Gavin spoke up. Joe smiled and nodded, and went back to his monotone talk. I laughed to myself, and Gavin quietly slipped a small piece of paper into my hand. This wasn't going to stop with innocent flirting, I knew that much.

"Okay, you guys can leave! But next week we're going to have a full lab session."

And then I bolted. The electricity he was omitting was enough to kill me, and I needed out. I didn't know him and it scared me how badly I wanted to. I squeezed through the door before he could even speak to me, and fell against the wall outside.

"Hard day?" my ears rang at the sound of his voice. And there it was, my heart was pounding, but with ease. The familiarity of his scent sent shivers up my spine and made me weak in the knees.

"Nathan..." I breathed to myself. I hated saying his name, because of how much I loved it. This needed to stop, this fascination, this love. This just needed to stop. I wasn't that girl anymore. I turned to him and watched as he eyed the length of my skirt, or lack of length. His eyes fixed on my new hair and the lipstick on my mouth. Waiting for a reaction was nerve wrecking, bit disappointing as he shook his head and looked away.

"You look different." He sighed.

"Not really." I responded. There was a long, awkward pause and then Nathan stepped back, as if to leave.

"It's not you." He stared at me intently. "But... I just came to say I miss you. Although, I guess you're gone for good, huh?" His blue eyes tore through my skin. But his tall, dark, handsome stature reminded me drew me in. It was Nathan, and he was here. He could act mad, and he could look disappointed but I knew he was just afraid. This was our problem, I was screaming to be someone different and he always wanted me to stay as the sweet little girl next door, even if he grew and changed. I never knew why, but I couldn't do it anymore.

"Why are you here?"

"I told you, I wanted to see you. I missed you." He struggled to speak.

"We were just a summer thing, Nathan. You made that very clear. So tell me, what are you doing in Miami? Because the summer is gone." I did everything I could to act tough and confident, but it took great amounts of strength for the words to even leave my mouth, and with each one I was left feeling more and more weak.

"Yeah I guess the summer is gone. It must have taken Haley with it." His words pierced my skin and broke my heart. But he'd never know. I stood tall and walked away. Did I just inflict that look of pain on Nathan's face? Because it was something I never thought possible. But my hands wrapped around Gavin's number in my palm and I felt as though I were drawing strength from it. I had made a decision for myself that didn't involve him, but if it was the right decision was yet to be decided.


	4. Chapter 4: Over My Head

This is where it begins, Haley's life starts to get a lot more complicated. Please review. :)

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><p>I'm not sure what was more exhilarating, this new forbidden relationship itself, or the dirty looks I got for it. I knew that I wasn't the only girl in the lab found Gavin appealing, but he chose me. It kept blowing my mind that he was able to chose from all of the perfect lip gloss smiles in the room, and he chose me. There was obvious speculation about us. Gavin could have lost his job and I could have been kicked out of school, and yet every time his finger tips grazed the small of my back as he was helping me... it made me feel like it'd be worth it. The Haley James everyone knew would have run from something as risky as this, but the new Haley James? She loved it.<p>

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><p>"James." A stern voice cleared from my bedroom door. I could hear Brooke's footsteps outside pacing.<p>

"Come on in Brookie." I laughed. My door opened and she stood there with her arms folded. "What's wrong with you?" I smiled.

Her arms fell to her side and she pranced in to jump on my bed. "Why are you smiling so much? I've barely seen you in the past week and a half, and when I did you're smiling like a school girl and hiding in here. What's going on?"

"I just... like school." I lied. School was already stressful and I was having trouble deciding what to do with my life, but for some reason I felt the need to lie about my new relationship.

"Oh." The silence that lingered was almost unbearable. For the first time our whole lives, Brooke and I had nothing to talk about. I was lying to Brooke, which was something I promised her I'd never do. It made me feel disgusting, like as soon as the lie left my lips I was infected with a filthy disease. I didn't lie, not to Brooke, but lately it had been coming naturally. She got off my bed and lingered in the middle of my room. "Some of the girls and I are taking a road trip this weekend. We're not sure where but..." I watched as her fingers grazed the new clothes in my closet. I knew what she was thinking, this isn't Haley's clothes... it looked more like her's. "But we're just going to drive."

"Oh yeah? Who?"

"Me, LeAnn, Rachel...you?" She looked over and smiled a pleading smile. Me and LeAnn, Gavin's ex-girlfriend? Me and Rachel, Nathan's current girlfriend? "James?"

"LeAnn and Rachel? Seriously?" I raised an eyebrow at her as I peered above the textbook on my lap.

"I know you don't like Rachel, but you swore you were over Nathan. And LeAnn? What's wrong with LeAnn?" Brooke sighed and slowly tiptoed towards my door. How did we start feeling so misplaced around one another? And what was wrong with LeAnn? Besides the fact that I've been secretly kissing her ex-boyfriend in the chemistry supply room?

"She just annoys me." There it was; another lie. I was quickly building a wall of lies and shielding myself from everything I knew.

"She annoys you." Brooke whispered under her breath. "Does Nathan annoy you?" She snapped. Her face flushed and she stood uncomfortably, even closer to leaving my room. And still, with the sound of his name my heart pounded.

"Of course not." I let my book slide off my lap and sat up straight to face her. There was no getting out of this conversation.

"Well he has been here every day this week, and it hasn't been for me." I pushed the books and school supplies away from my side and motioned for Brooke to come sit by me. I may have been trying to change and start over, but I'd never start over without her. She smiled and sat at my side. "I've missed you, James. What is going on?"

"Brooke..." I swore I wouldn't lie again. At least, not completely. "I spent my whole life in love with Nathan, and the most he could offer me was one summer. He dangled everything I ever wanted in front of my face and made me think it was okay, because he _told_ me he was going to snatch it away. And now? Now that I've found someone who is interested in me alone? He can't expect me to let him do that again, I can't handle it."

Brooke sighed deeply, and I noticed the hurt look on her face. "You found someone? And didn't tell me?"

"It's nothing ..." I promised with a lie. "I mean. It's recent. I don't know what it is. He's just a guy from one of my labs and... he's nice." I smiled.

"So that is why you've been smiling so much?" Her eyes stared at me intently, and I just shrugged. I didn't want to have to explain what was going on, it was just happening and I wanted to just let it happen. "For what it's worth, I think Nathan teased himself more than you. And I think he genuinely misses you."

"Oh yeah? Does Rachel know that?"

"Rachel? You're threatened by Rachel? She is nothing compared to you. Nathan has been in love with you for just as long as you have him. You're both in denial but... you're great together. And he came to CALIFORNIA for you? But if you think this new guy is better for you than... I support that. Just make sure you know what you're doing." Brooke walked out of my room, and I noticed her linger in the hall. "By the way," she called out, "Nathan's step brother stopped by with him."

"Lucas? Yeah, I'm pretty sure he lives around here."

"He's hot." She looked back and grinned. Laughing, she walked away. It seemed as though Brooke Davis had found a game to play. This could get interesting.

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><p>It didn't take a genius to see I was in over my head. There were secrets hidden in his face that I was afraid to know. Every time his cell phone beeped with a text it screamed <em>naive. <em>Every time he was preoccupied, or would have to call me back or asked that we keep our relationship a secret until LeAnn got over it, the only small part of me that was tough wanted to scream _liar._ But then there was the rest of me, that was thrilled with the danger and excitement in the situation. I never really figured out why I let it happen, if it was because no one thought Haley James would do it, or if I really just wanted to. But I was officially in over my head and no one can save me now.

"Have you ever been in love?" He whispered into my hair as his fingertips drew circles into my bare arm. The question made my heart race, which he could probably feel as we laid with our bodies so tightly intertwined. Of course I'd been in love, I have been since I was nine and that boy threw a ball of ice at me and cracked my front tooth. And I always would be, even if he did it again.

"Yeah." I said as I exhaled. But love was a harsh word. Love came with strings and promises meant to be broken. Love came with disappointment and vulnerability. Love wasn't a good thing, it wasn't a privilege, but a disease without a cure. It was like jumping off a cliff and never landing. Once you were in love you couldn't turn back, you were then ripped apart and your pieces were exposed to the world to be criticized. I wish he never said love.

He leaned back and looked at me, a small smirk on his face. I truly hoped he would never expect me to be in love with him. Because it wouldn't happen, I knew it. I was a tiny person who only had enough room inside of her to love one person. That room has been occupied for years. "Nathan?"

I simply nodded. There was no need to explain, I felt. I survived and he survived, we had our short moment in the spotlight, and the light went out. But we survived it, and it was all that mattered. Did I survive it? "You?" I felt obligated to reciprocate.

"Um, yeah. I think so." He nodded confidently, like it wasn't a big deal. "I loved Katherine, and I could have loved Bethany, if I had the chance. I didn't love Sarah, but I think I loved..."

"Wait." I spat out. "How many girlfriends have you had?"

He laughed and kissed my forehead. "Let's just say, I always have one." This made my stomach turn. What was I getting myself into?

"And you think you loved that many?" I asked with disbelief.

"Absolutely." His voice held more confidence that I could even possess. "I fall in love easily," he winked at me. "And once I'm in, I'm in." He smiled, but the feeling of being betrayed got stronger. I wasn't ready for love, I wasn't able to do it. I wasn't ready for what he was expecting, but after only two weeks he was acting as though he wanted to put a ring on my finger. Laying there with him, so vulnerable and close, how could I say no to anything he requested? "This is different than all of those, though." He whispered again. It hit me then, that I was so determined to start my life over, that I forgot to concentrate on what made me happy, instead I just focused on what no one expected me to do. Maybe being myself wasn't such a bad thing. But laying here, as my friends were all on a road trip, enjoying themselves, I couldn't turn back.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm tired of short lived relationships, I wanna do this, I wanna be in this for the long run. Are you in?" His words smelled of promise and new beginnings, unlike anything I could have hoped for before. But coming from Gavin, they weren't what I thought they'd be. "Although, maybe we should keep this quiet," He smiled, completely compelling me. "I just broke up with LeAnn, I don't want to hurt her, and if it gets back to her ... I still care about her, I never want to hurt her, like I'd never hurt you. But if you can do that..."

"I'm in." I felt obligated to say. He made me feel like he was putting a lot on the line to be with me, so I owed him a commitment. But I wasn't in, I wasn't close to in. I was so far out he could barely see me from as far in as he was. I was out, and lingering, but all I wanted to do was run.


	5. Chapter 5: Here Comes The

One of the most important chapters of my life. review please.

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><p>Frank Warren once said, "There are two types of secrets, the ones we keep from others, and the ones we keep from ourselves." Me? I had both. Gavin's request to keep our relationship a secret was burning a hole in my stomach. I honestly thought that I was going to die from the stress, there was literally a ball forming in my stomach threatening to grow and block off all of my major organs, if that was even possible. Don't get me wrong, there were times when I was happy. When I was <em>with<em> him I was happy. When he kissed me, the secrets and lies didn't matter. But then there were the times when we were apart, when I had no idea where he was or what he was doing and those were the times when the ball in my stomach started to grow and threaten my very existence.

"Haley James!" Jakes voice echoed through my house. I hung up my phones promptly as I could although Gavin's voice was still going strong. He was used to this though, and usually knew not to call back if I had to hang up quickly. This is what my life had come to, sneaking around with skill.

"Jake!" I smiled and walked over to hug him. "I've missed you." He just looked at me, and I could tell there was something on his mind.

"Yeah, me too. Actually, I need to talk to you." He made himself uncomfortably comfortable on the sofa, and I sat at his side. "You and Gavin have become really good friends, huh?"

My heart flew into my throat. I knew that someone would start asking questions eventually, but I wasn't ready. I had my own questions and concerns that I couldn't deal with, I couldn't deal with those of others. "Yeah, we're friends."

"Well, did he mention why he broke up with LeAnn?" Jake muttered. "I was up with her all night, she is such a mess."

"I don't know, I mean, that was a couple weeks ago and she is still up all night crying?" Did that only seem pathetic to me? Suddenly I felt territorial; needing to defend Gavin and make people think it wasn't his fault the relationship ended. But, was it my fault?

"A couple weeks ago? He broke up with her last night, Hales." His words ripped at me and tore me to shreds. Last night? So what had we been doing for the last two weeks? Were we sneaking kisses in elevators and lying to our friends because he didn't want to hurt her, or because he was still with her? Suddenly holding hands under the table in study rooms and whispering during our phone calls made sense.

"Oh. Right, I think they had a fight and I got confused. Well..." My heart was breaking. I knew, I had to know. What kind of girl agrees with a secret relationship? "I honestly have no idea."

Jake stood up, "Haley. You've been one of my best friends my whole life. I was there through your awkward years and your whole life. I know you. I know your facial expressions, I know the way your right eyebrow twitches when you're lying to me, and your hands shake when you're nervous. But this..." He eyed me, taking in my clothing and my general appearance. "This isn't you. The person you've been since you came here... isn't the Haley I know. And if I'm right, and _this _Haley has had anything to do with LeAnn being at my house now in a complete mess, then I'm done..." as he walked towards the door, I was lost for words. My heart was broken and I felt like reality just slapped me in the face. "with _this _Haley, and the real one." The slamming of the door seemed to wake me up, as I fell to my knees. I was living in a world where I thought I could get away with everything, and was I ever wrong. It was time for the real Haley to come back now, unless it was too late.

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><p>"You're the best thing that has ever happened to me." As he whispered to me sincerely, I couldn't help but wonder what else he was hiding from me. I couldn't find the strength to confront him about his recent break up which was suppose to be not so recent. But, the way his fingers weaved through my hair always changed my mind. It was weird, that when I was with him I felt like I was on top of the world. There was no Nathan Scott, nor anyone else in the world, but as soon as he was out of sight, an overwhelming feeling of guilt and regret choked me. It terrified me that I'd have to spend the rest of my life like this if I didn't get the courage to stop it.<p>

Behind us, his cell phone vibrated for the fourth or fifth time since we snuck away from our friends and hid in his small apartment. This was what our relationship consisted of, hiding and lying. "Is that LeAnn?" I asked, a little afraid of his reaction.

He looked at me as if he wanted to say no, he wanted to lie. But maybe he was as tired of lying as I was, because I watched as he sighed and then he sat up straight in the bed, resting his head in his hands. "Yeah."

"Why is she still texting you? You've been broken up for almost a month now. Right?" A side of me that he didn't know was beginning to show, the one that everyone else seemed to have missed.

He just stared at me. His hands clenched his golden curls and the muscles in his arms twitched. But I hardly cared, I had been holding back my feelings about LeAnn and what Jake had said for over two weeks now, and I couldn't do it anymore. I needed truth and respect if this relationship was going to go anywhere.

"Answer me, Gavin. Because we have been hiding our relationship for over a month now, and I'm so tired of lying to my friends. I'm not this person. I'm nothing near this." I hadn't heard myself be this honest in a really long time. It was somewhat refreshing.

"It's over now, baby." He smiled, running his fingertips across me cheek, "isn't that all that matters?"

"I'm not sure." I said, honestly.

"I'm crazy about you, baby. I've never had a girlfriend like you. And I'll never lead you on or make you feel the way Nate did. I need you to trust me. Yes, LeAnn is still texting me, but we're friends. But that's all."

"Friends, huh?" _ We're just friends, that's all. _ How many times had I lied to my own friends and said this? "Like us? Just friends, I mean, that's what we're telling everyone, right?" I didn't mean to snap at him, he had tried to show me in so many ways how much he cared and wanted to make this work, I really did believe him when he said he wanted to be with me and was in it for the long run.

"If you want to tell people, we'll tell people." He smiled, as if this would satisfy me. The truth was, we had waited so long to tell people what was going on, and he had clearly lied about being broken up with LeAnn, so I knew that at this point things were about to get really messy.

"I do. I can't lie anymore. But..." I thought of the look Brooke would give me, after spending hours hearing her talk about how much Gavin had hurt LeAnn, I thought of Jake and the things he said and most of all, I thought of Nathan. He may have been able to do it to me, but I couldn't imagine the way he'd feel knowing that I had a new boyfriend so quickly. Although, it'd probably be the same way I felt when he made the same relationship change himself. "I can't be at my house when it happens. And I can't be here, just in case..."

"Why? Where will you go?" He sat up and pulled me into his chest, his face lying in my hair.

"I'll stay with Peyton, I guess. I don't want to face Brooke... things are going to be such a mess at the beginning. I can't..." I was a coward. He lied, and I didn't confront him. I lied to my friends and now, when it was time to face my mistake... I was going to run. All I wanted to do was run. Nothing was said for the rest of the night, we just sat there enjoying the last night of silence and relaxation before the madness began.

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><p>"Thank you for letting me stay here." I smiled at Peyton, she was sitting in her pyjamas sketching furiously again. She smiled and nodded, but was so concentrated and focused on whatever she was drawing. "What are you drawing?" I laughed.<p>

"You. You're an interesting character." She laughed. She finally stopped and put her pencil down. The sound of her angry punk music was suiting my mood perfectly and the understanding look on her face after I told her my whole situation made me feel more relaxed than I had in over a month.

"Me?" I laughed again. "Why am I interesting?"

"Because." She pushed a pile of papers away from her side and motioned for me to come sit by her. As I did, I noticed her picture. It looked like me, and I was staring into a mirror. My eyes were hollow, and in there mirror there was nothing. "It's always those who don't know who they are that I find easiest to figure out."

"Why is there no one in the mirror?" I whispered. It was accurate. So accurate.

"It's how I see you." She nudged me, "Ever since you've been here you've been searching for yourself. And honestly, I don't think you've found what you're looking for in Gavin." Of course Peyton was honest, she was always honest. I remembered a time when I used to be like that, and became filled with jealousy. Not in the angry, envious way. But in a regretful, wishful way. I've spent the last couple months searching to be someone new, and now all I wanted was to be me again.

"You're absolutely right." I kept whispering, afraid to hear my own words.

"Well why are you still hanging on to this, Hales? I haven't known you long but... even I can finish this picture. I just don't think you can."

"I don't have anything else to hang on to." With those last words, my cell phone started to vibrate. I hadn't realized I missed calls from Brooke and Jake. My phone was spammed with angry texts and most importantly... a text from Gavin. The one person I was giving up so much for. I was in so deep that there was no out, so in order to make all of the stress and madness worth it, I was sticking around. I was ashamed of myself for pretending I didn't know he was still with LeAnn. I was ashamed for cutting my friends out of my life, and most importantly, I was ashamed because I let myself get real feelings for someone who had yet to speak an honest word to me.

As I read his text, his promises of a future and happiness screamed in my head. His promise that he'd never felt for anyone as he did when he was with me. His voice vibrated in my ears, his whispered promises and his text then played over all of those voices.

"_LeAnn is here. I'm sorry. Just don't worry, she just wants to talk. It's going to be okay baby."_

But it wasn't going to be okay, I knew it. Something in the pit of my stomach was laughing loudly for even starting to believe that. My hands shook with fear, were all of my efforts going to be wasted? All of the stress, the fights, everything, pointless.

"_Is she still there?" _ This was the worst thing about texting, the anticipation, the wait. I couldn't do it.

"I'll be right back, I need to use the phone, okay?" I jumped up as Peyton nodded and snuck inside her bedroom. Closing the door behind me, my hands shook. And the phone rang... and rang... and rang. Finally it stopped ringing, but there was still silence on the other end. I could hear him breathing, but neither one of us spoke for some time.

Until, "Don't call me, Haley." It was the first time that he didn't call me baby since we had gotten together, and it was worst than a slap in my face. How could something as simple as using my actual name act as a loaded weapon? "Don't call me anymore." The sound of his breathing was replaced with the deafening silence of an ended conversation, and an ended relationship. We hadn't even told people about our relationship a full hour ago, and it was over, I realized as tears of humiliation streamed down my face.

And then there was the text. What kind of man did such a thing over a text, to someone he claimed to have cared about so deeply? Why did I care so much when we were together for such a short time? Why didn't I feel relieved? I felt dirty and used; humiliated to an extreme that no one had ever felt. I just wanted to evaporate into the air of humiliation that surrounded me, or dissolve in the tears that wouldn't stop flowing.

I've heard people talk about these things, these situations. I've been by my friends' sides as they cried and talked about how it was impossible to live without him. I've laughed at how crazy it sounded and I've honestly been a little annoyed. I've been dumped before, I've had people walk out of my life for no reason at all. But I have never felt this way before. They were all right: all of my friends who described it and everyone who told me to stop before this had happened. But I never thought it would happen like this. I never thought a simple text message would leave me sitting in the middle of Peyton's bedroom aching because of what could have been pure heartache, or shame. I was so ashamed. This was the moment that changed me, the moment that I knew I'd be a different person, or at least I'd make people see I wasn't this person. This was my punishment because it was true that what I had done was my fault, and I deserved every last ounce of this heartache. I wasn't a good person anymore, this city had changed me... it was now clear. I spent my time here trying to be someone so drastically different than I was that I thought without reason and acted without sanity. It was true, that on the surface Gavin was to blame. But when you looked deep down into the core, when you analyzed every part, it was my fault. My body and soul screamed at me telling me if was my own fault. Anything you had to hide from your best friends was not the right thing, I'd stand by this from now on.

It was amazing though. How could one text message change my life in such a way? Those ten words were causing me more pain than ten gun shots would_. "This was a big mistake. I love her. This is over."_

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><p><em>don't forget to reviewww! :)<em>


	6. Chapter 6: Tell Me I'm a Wreck

Reviews? Please? :)

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><p>I woke up the next morning still laying on the cold hard floor of Peyton's room. I hadn't noticed before that the deep burgundy walls were scatteredly covered with Peyton's many drawings. The girl really had talent, as each sketch identified the different challenges in her life that I was too selfish to ask about. I saw graves and tears, happiness and friends, a baby, and many of herself. I hadn't really noticed before the struggles that Peyton had been through, and I couldn't remember if she had told me about them throughout the two months we had known each other.<p>

As my eyes wandered her walls, it took me a moment to realize there were legs beneath my head. The night before had been almost a complete blur. I remembered crying, a lot. I remembered being overwhelmed with sadness and most of all I remembered, and was still experiencing, a ridiculous amount of shame. I sat up and rubbed my swollen, stinging eyes, as my head pounded. I felt sick, like I had been up all night with the flu.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" A voice asked softly as a strong, comforting hand ran along my shoulder. I looked back at him, his face smiling at me like I was a pitiful child who had just lost her cat. Flashbacks of the previous night starting developing. People walking in and out of the room as I cried pathetically, and Nathan. I remembered him sitting there all night, rubbing my back and listening to my tears.

"My pride hurts..." I mumbled. And it was sadly true, my pride hurt much more than my heart did.

Nathan chuckled and stretched as he stood and helped me up. His back must have been aching from sitting up all night like that, "Don't, Hales. You have no reason to be ashamed. Gavin is a really bad guy, you did nothing wrong. He cheated, he led both you and LeAnn on, and he threw away the best thing he ever had." he smiled his beautiful smile, making the pain in my chest subside just a little.

"But I let him do those things. I gave up so much... I gave up who I was, and all I got from it was a dreadful text message and a huge dip in my self respect." I sat on Peyton's bed, somewhat afraid to leave the room. I had to face the world and my mistakes, but the only thing I really wanted to do was sit alone and figure out how to be me again.

"Why would you do that, change who you are? You were perfect, this..." He just looked at me and shook his head. Looking across the room into the mirror I saw myself for the first time in months. My hair was so dark, my face smeared with makeup I wouldn't have even worn before I moved to California... it wasn't Haley that I was looking at. It wasn't me, it was someone completely different, and I hated that girl.

"Being myself wasn't working anymore. I was tired of being the innocent girl next door. I was tired of watching everyone else find love and go places in their life that I was too afraid to reach for. Guys don't exactly fall over themselves trying to get to a girl like me.. or, like I was. Like I will be again." Nathan laughter surprised me, he shook his head yet again and pulled me in. I felt him kiss my hair, and he leaned his forehead against mine. I hadn't been this close to him since the summer, and it scared me and calmed me at the exact same time.

"Are you kidding me." He smiled into my eyes, "I, of all people, know that you're not innocent," He winked. "And I transferred schools for you, I left behind my whole life chasing something that was just a summer thing. You're just... perfect." His voice turned into a whisper as his cheeks flushed. I pulled back from him and stared at him. He was embarrassed, not intending to say as much as he did. All I could do was wish he had said it before, when I wasn't a heartbroken wreck. I wanted to fast forward and have him say this in a month or so, when I was myself again. "But this Haley isn't the one I fell for." He admitted.

My thoughts were interrupted by a smash in the living room and the sound of fierce laughter. Poking my head outside I saw all of my friends gathered around and Lucas sitting amongst a pile of milk and cereal. It was the first time I had ever seen all of my friends together in one place, even those who barely knew each other. I guess it really look a disaster like myself to bring such people together.

"Haley!" Peyton smiled as she noticed me entering the room. The four of them, Peyton, Lucas, Rachel and Brooke, all came over and swarmed me. Arms were tangled all around my body. I felt smothered and squat, and fantastic. "Feeling any better today?"

Memories of how terrible I felt choked me and I came to the realization that the only way to keep myself from crying was to not think of it all. I had never had so many mixed emotions. My eyes stung from crying as my nose was filled with the smell of Nathan's cologne. "I kind of can't feel anything at all." I admitted. "I have to talk to you guys though, I really do. Can we all just... sit."

Everyone shuffled and sat in various places around the room. I had so much to say to them all about my behaviour over the past couple months, and no idea how to say it. "I just..." I looked around, Nathan was smiling at me, Brooke was looking around awkwardly and everyone else was patiently waiting for me to speak. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I started to cry.

"Sorry?" Peyton spoke up. "For what?"

"For what I did. I've caused everyone so much pain. Jake will probably never forgive me and I've been lying to everyone so much. This isn't me, I didn't mean to be this person and I honestly have no idea what is going on anymore." I couldn't hold back my tears anymore, but was surprised there were any left as they skimmed my cheeks.

"James." Brooke's voice was stern, the way it had been so often lately. She stood up and walked towards me, reaching out and grabbing me by the shoulders. Her grip was strong and her face so serious. "Don't for a second think that any of this was your fault. I know you better than anyone else in this house, and I know you weren't yourself. You were manipulated and hurt. This is Gavin's fault. I don't ever want to hear you blame yourself again."

As much as I appreciated what she was saying, it wasn't true, "No, I let this happen. I have been acting like a fool. He may not have told me he was still with LeAnn, but if I cared enough I would have known. The secrets and..."

"Stop!" Brooke's lip quivered as she loosened her grip. "Stop it please, because I hate to see you like this. I love you James, and you're a good person. I'm going to stand by your side through all of this. And as for Jake, he loves you too and he'll come around."

"The things he said..." I sobbed.

"It doesn't matter." She whispered sweetly, "You're going to be okay, I'm going to make sure of it." She pulled me in and let me cry on her shoulder. How had I not realized before that I had the best friend in the entire universe? I automatically felt as though I had taken advantage of the wonderful person she was for many years. But it would never happen again. This was my chance to reinvent myself the right way, I was going to be a good person.

"Everyone loses themselves now and then, Hales." Lucas smirked. "It's how you find yourself again that defines who you are." he winked at me, and I heard Nathan scoff.

"You're so cheesy." Nathan mumbled.

"I like it." Brooke winked at Lucas. Everyone laughed and we all sat around silently. Maybe we all had class that day, I'm not completely sure. We could have all had big plans, we could have had a million other things to do on a Tuesday. But on that particular one, it didn't matter. We just sat, occasionally cried, laughed, cried more, and enjoyed being the strange, complicated group of people we were.

Although I was happy to be with them, in the pit of my stomach there was still a sadness growing that wouldn't go away. And the more that sadness grew, the more strength it took for me to not pick up my phone and message him. Every time I tried I thought of the things he said about LeAnn when they had "broken up". How she was a loser for texting him all the time, how pathetic it was that she tried to get him back and I didn't want to be that girl. It didn't matter if I was falling apart, I was stronger than her, and stronger than he thought I was. If he was going to throw away what we had, he was going to regret it.

"What are you thinking about?" Brooke nudged me.

"The walls. The ceiling. The..." my mind screamed the things at me that I was really thinking of. Pain, heartache, shame... "floor." Brooke's confused smile made me chuckle, "You know. Umm, how plastic is made, what the chemical formula of..." That wouldn't work. Chemicals lead to chemistry. Chemistry lead to my lab. My lab lead to Gavin. "Anything I can think of so that I don't think of... him."

"It gets easier, you know that." She smiled, rubbing my back.

"How would I know that?" I muttered.

"Well, you stopped thinking of Nathan, didn't you." She said it under her breath so that no one would hear her, but I saw Nathan's face fall into pure concentration, waiting for my answer.

"Not yet." I admitted.

"Oh." She smiled awkwardly, and I noticed Nathan smile to himself. He could pretend he wasn't listening, but I knew he was and my answer made him forget Rachel was even talking to him. "Well, Gavin's not Nathan, is he?"

No, Gavin absolutely was not Nathan. But it still hurt just as much.


End file.
